GOING PEACEFULLY

THE AUDIT OF 1995

“Are you happy?” Said the Auditor.

“I believe so.” I said.

“Good, good. Do you feel like you accomplished what you wanted to with your life?”

“Not fully.” I said.

“Ah, and what is there left to do?”

“Well, I would like to see a cheetah in the wild. It would be nice to have sex again. I am quite interested in learning how to ice skate. I’ve always wanted to go to space.”

“This all seems achievable to you does it?” Said the Auditor.

“I don’t see why not.” I said.

“I understood when you said that you wanted to knit all your grandchildren quilts, and when you said you had to finish all of that anime with the guy who is sort of a cat … but how long do you think it will take you to go to space?”

“My name is in the Virgin Galactic raffle. Could be any day.”

The Auditor sighed and wrote heavy handedly into her notebook. “This program is not something to fear, you know. It is a way to give you dignity as well as help the economy and the housing crisis. People are just living too long nowadays it’s almost impossible for the system to deal with.”

“Well then perhaps it’s time for a new system.” I said.

“Fine, I will see you in the fall.” Said the Auditor.

“Thanks for the visit, it was lovely as always.”

“Mmmm, lovely.”

I closed and locked the door. Julian rubbed his body against my leg and meowed. I picked him up.

“Don’t you worry, I’m not going anywhere.” I said.

My phone rang. I slide my finger over the green bubble and put it to my ear.

“Marg.” Said Lizzy. “Are you okay? How did it go?”

“I’m okay.” I said. “I really upset her this time. Hah, it would be interesting to be a fly on the wall when she’s our age. They do realise that, don’t they? Eventually we are all old and unwanted.”

“I want you.” Said Lizzy.

“I want you too but I don’t think it counts. We’re both older than the dinosaurs.”

“Leonard is having his last meal on Friday.”

“No.”

“Yeah, he said that he was tired of thinking up excuses.”

“I should call him. We should call the group; make sure everyone is still going strong.”

“I don’t know Marg, uh, a lot of us are considering it this year.”

“What?”

“It’s just that it’s getting sort of boring you know and so many of the people are hateful towards us now. It’s really mostly these wrist bands. Once you start wearing a red band everyone thinks you’re a selfish good for nothing.”

“We have a right to live as long as we wish to, as long as God permits us to.” I said. “Why don’t they stop having so many babies if they are worried about the population?”

“Well, without babies we wouldn’t have enough adults in a few generations. It sort of has to be us who go.”

“You aren’t considering it?”

“Not really.”

“Good. Tell her that you have yet to be snorkelling in the Great Barrier Reef and you also need to read all the Sweet Valley books.”

LEONARD

I bit into a small triangle of a cucumber sandwich with the crust cut off. The ratio of ingredients was perfect. The crunch of the cucumber, the stickiness of the margarine, the goodness of the bread. I closed my eyes as I chewed and swallowed.

“It was a beautiful service.” Said Lizzy.

I nodded. “I’m sad that he gave in though. He was a fun member of our group. I’ll miss him.”

“Yeah, we won’t have a group soon.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, everyone is talking about going now. Shay said that she’s excited to find out what’s next. Diane said she’s bored of knitting and reading all day. I’m even starting to feel ready, if I’m honest.”

“You can’t all leave me.” I said.

“We aren’t leaving you. We are leaving a stale life, a half life. People are meant to grow old and die.” Said Lizzy.

“In their own time. Not when the government decides the time is right.”

Lizzy nodded. “I’m just saying that it’s starting to feel like my time. After my John passed it’s been difficult. There isn’t as much laughter.”

“Why don’t you move in with me. We will laugh.”

Lizzy smiled. “I’ll think about it.”

GROUP

“Leonard’s decision to leave has prompted a lot of thinking. I know that a lot of us have lost our partners and have tried out all the hobbies we dreamed about from office cubicles. I know many of us feel stuck.” I said.

Heads nodded in agreement all around me.

I smiled. “So, I have devised a plan. A plan towards fulfilment and reinvigoration. Starting with an elders dating program. It is the time in our lives to feel free, therefore it will be a programme based on attraction and personality. We will all date everyone who signs up for 5 minutes regardless of gender and then we will select a top 3 to date again until we have selected a person. This partner will accompany us on a minimum of three weekly outings. Each week we must try at least one new thing with our partner.”

The faces around the room did not brighten.

“I’m too old to go out three times a week.” Said Cathy.

“Yeah, I don’t really feel like seeing any of you that much.” Said Renold. “It’s a push to get myself here once a month.”

“So, you’re just done?” I said.

“We’ve lived.” Said Cathy. “We’ve done it all already. I’ve had all the conversations about the weather I can bear. I’ve seen all I want to see. I’ve been blessed and now it’s time.”

THE AUDIT OF 1996

“Anything left to do?” Said the Auditor.

“Oh yes, quite a bit.” I said.

The Auditor rolled her eyes. “Still have cheetahs to pet do you?”

“No, crossed that one off the list last year on my trip to South Africa.”

“Oh, wow!” Said the auditor. “I’m quite impressed actually.”

“I know you think that I am selfish for not wanting to die but I truly just haven’t run out of steam. I am still very much in love with my life.”

“Even now, after all your friends have passed through the programme?” Said the Auditor.

“Even now.” I said. “I miss them, Lizzy most of all but one cannot be lonely if the person they are alone with is a friend.”

“What will you do this year?” Said the Auditor.

“I have been writing a book. I would like to publish it.” I said. “I also still have to get to space.”

The Auditor smiled. “I’ll see you next year then.”

THE AUDIT OF 2000

The Auditor sat attentively. Her smile reached her eyes. An excitable younger man sat next to her with a tape recorder and a camera.

“Do you mind if we take the photograph first?” Said the young man.

“Snap away.” I said.

The excitable man arranged the tea tray in front of me. “Okay, sit up a bit straighter if you can and open your eyes a little wider please.”

I laughed. “I’ll do my best.”

“Okay, I’m going to start the recorder.” He said.

“What did you accomplish this year?” Said the Auditor.

“Well, a lot of people liked my book. So much so that I could afford a ticket on the Virgin Galactic this year. I visited the ISS and performed a spacewalk. I would have liked to see the moonrise but my body couldn’t take a trip that long now. I also celebrated the birth of my first great-great-grandchild. She is three months old now. However most recently I have become an apprentice tattoo artist.” I said.

“Wow, do you have any tattoos?” Asked the excitable young man.

“Oh yes darling. I have a fair amount. I was married to a biker you know.” I said.

“Fascinating.” He said.

“I’m sure I already know the answer but I have to ask.” Said the Auditor. “Do you have anything left to do on Earth?”

I smiled and picked up a biscuit. “I don’t think I will ever be done, my dear. The Earth and I are deeply in love. One day, maybe soon, when my body is too old to play fuelled by the wanderlust of my heart I will slip away into the next realm of existence. There I will live just as fully.”

HOME

I picture throwing the glass at him. If it hit him just right. If I claimed that it was self defence. I close the tap, put the glass to my lips and take a sip.

“Do you not have fucking hands?” I say.

“Woah,” he says.

“Sorry, I’m sorry,” I say.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, long day.”

“Okay, well, I’m going to play PC for a bit then. Love you. Just bring the coffee up to me, but don’t make any noise. I’m on open mic.”

“Alexa, play the Beatles.” I say.

I hate cleaning. It is an endless nonsensical loop that feels like an evil social experiment designed to slowly chip away at a person’s will to live. I turn on the oven. I take out pork chops and a salad bag from the fridge.

DINNER

“I just saw an ad for this company called Attune,” he says.

I look up from my plate.

“They are redefining couple’s therapy,” he says.

“Okay, so you want to do therapy now?” I say.

“Just hear me out,” he says. “Basically, you get to explore each other’s mind in VR. It sounds better when it’s said all sciency, though.”

“Sounds intrusive,” I say.

“Do you have something to hide, Dr. Jekyll?” he says.

“Is it expensive?” I say

“They are calling for test subjects. We would get paid for doing therapy, lol.”

“Ah, you aren’t actually interested in fixing anything, then.”

“Could you not?” he says.

“Mm-hmm.” I say.

“Why do you always have to be so difficult?” he says.

“I’m not being difficult.”

“Mm-hmm.”

“Okay, on the condition that we use the money to do something fun. You don’t get to blow it all on outfits for your character.”

ATTUNE

“You don’t even have the slightest interest in me anymore,” I say.

“What are you on about now?” he says.

“Well, just look at your feet.”

“My feet?”

“Yeah, they aren’t even pointed at me.”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“It’s basic body language. A guy points in the direction of what he wants.”

“Well, my feet are literally pointed at nothing, Maya.”

“I didn’t say you wanted someone else.”

“You realise that you sound insane right? I honestly don’t know how to deal with you females.”

“Don’t.”

“Can you try to keep it together when we are in public, please.”

A man walks into the room. He turns on the projector and pulls down the screen.

“This video explains everything you need to know about the tech.” says the man. “Once it is done, we will move on to the capture pods. There we will do a scan of your brain and map out your mind.”

The video has the tone of a children’s science special from the 90’s. The music is fun and vibrant.

“Stop tapping your feet,” whispers David.

“Sorry,” I say.

“Why did you have to wear the light up sneakers?”

“They make me happy,” I say.

“It’s like you go out of your way to embarrass me sometimes,” he says.

“I didn’t really think about it.”

“Well, they make you look like an idiot. It’s hard to take you seriously when you’re walking into a room putting on a light-show, and that’s a reflection on me as well.”

“Right. Sorry.”

The man switches off the projector. “Do you have any questions?”

“I think we are good,” David says.

“You can follow me then,” says the man.

The lights from my shoes bounce off the cold vinyl tiles and dance about the hallway.

“I love your shoes,” says the man. “They are so fun.”

“Thank you,” I say.

We stop in a large white room. At the centre of the space is a dentist’s chair. A team stands around it. Their faces are eager.

“Who wants to go first?” the man says.

“You go,” says David.

I take in a deep breath and nod my head.

“Don’t worry, I know it looks a little daunting, but the process is relatively quick and completely painless,” says the man.

Multiple hands strap me in and stick sensors onto me. The machine beeps ominously at random intervals.

“We are going to ask you a series of questions. You just have to close your eyes and think the answers,” says the man.

PREPARATION

“You can take off your clothes now.”

“What?” I say

“You must be naked for the sensation suit to work properly. They are impossible to get on yourself, unfortunately,” the man says. “I can arrange for a female attendant if you would prefer.”

I undress whilst keeping my eyes fixed on the floor. I can feel them staring at me. The team quickly covers my body in a gel and helps me into the suit.

“It feels like I am suspended in water.” I say.

“Good,” says the man.

The idea of crying comes to me. I feel that knot in my throat. I feel my eyes well. Something always prevents the tears from falling.

THE SESSION

“If you feel claustrophobic, disorientated, nauseas or unsafe say ‘stop’ immediately. The program will shut down and you can have a quick break.”

“Okay,” we say in unison

“Do not feel bad to say stop. It can take participants a few tries to adjust.”

The helmet is constricting. The VR system boots up like an old PC; a blue screen, an array of code, the Attune logo followed by a loading bar.

“Maya?” says David

“Hey!” I say. “Can you see me?”

“No, I am in this fancy old timey lounge area. There is a game menu.”

“It’s just dark for me,” I say

“Hold on,” says the man. “Can you see anything now?”

“Yeah, I am in the lounge.” I say. “Hey, I see you.”

“Yeah, I see you now. I’m going to press start,” David says.

“Okay, cool,” I say.

A loading bar comes up. The room transitions. Stone walls are delicately lit by medieval torches. In the centre of the room there is a statue of a nymph holding a mirror.

“Step up to the mirror and look at yourself through the eyes of your beloved,” says a voice.

“Do you want to go first?” he says.

“Okay,” I say.

I stand in front of the mirror. My reflection looks at me. She is a perfect image. My body is flawlessly curved without one extra pound. My face is wonderfully smooth. My eyes sparkle. My smile is radiant. My hair is healthy and vibrant. I am the best possible version of myself.

“We are so loved,” says the reflection.

I look back at David. He smiles at me.

“You are my special one,” he says.

“Stop.” I say “Stop, stop, stop.”

I remove the helmet quickly.

“Is everything okay?” says the man.

“I need a minute,” I say.

“Okay, just let me know when you want to go back in. David should be done with the mirror any second now and then we can move on to the open worlds.”

“It didn’t stop for David, too?” I say

David takes off his helmet. He stares at me. His tears fall.

SWIPE RIGHT

COME PREPARED

“Are you okay?” Said Toulouse

“I mean, not really.” I said.

“What’s wrong, love?”

“Are you joking? I just watched you murder that dude.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Are you seriously gaslighting me right now?”

“Look, something very traumatising just happened. You’re in shock and that makes everything cloudy. Should we have sex? Sex might help.”

“Are you mad? I obviously don’t want to have sex right now. I mean, I literally just watched you murder someone with a pencil.”

Toulouse laughs. “That really doesn’t sound like me. We should probably get rid of the body though. It does look awfully suspicious that you are leaning over him like that and you’re covered in blood.”

“What?”

“Like, yeah. I know you didn’t kill him. But, if someone else had to come around, and they didn’t know you like I do. Then, yeah. Assumptions might be made.”

“You’re literally still holding the pen right now.”

“I thought you said it was a pencil.”

“Oh my God!.”

“Look. No one murdered anyone. okay. We both know that, but we have a short post-murder window to clean it all up. Otherwise, it will definitely come back on us.”

“So you’re saying he flung the pencil into his own neck?”

“I don’t know, Katey. Maybe.” Said Toulouse. “Or perhaps a seagull had a vendetta against him and it swooped in, too quickly for us to see, and proceeded to stab him in the neck, okay. Your guess is as good as mine.”

“So, a seagull did it?”

“All I’m saying is we can’t just jump to conclusions on this.”

“I saw it happen.” I said.

“Eye witness reports are 52% inaccurate, you know. The mind can create havoc during times of stress.”

“How do you know it’s not your mind that’s creating havoc? Why do you assume I’m delusional?”

“Because I have been through enough stressful situations to know how I process them.”

I sighed. “And I’ve never dealt with anything stressful before?”

THE BASEMENT

“So what you want to do is chop off a little piece, like so, and then drop it in this barrel of acid.” Said Toulouse.

I stared into his eyes. “Why do you have a barrel of acid?”

“You know I like to be prepared.”

“For body disposal?”

“For everything.” Toulouse said. “I mean, I told you I have a bunker in case of nuclear war. So, I also have a basement with a vat of acid. Honestly, you should be grateful. What would we have done if I were acidless right now?”

“Fuck me.” I said.

Toulouse laughs. “I would but we’re kinda busy.”

I seriously need to delete Tinder. I should probably go to therapy now. God, this is what I get for dating White dudes. They are cute though. It’s always those blue eyed mother fuckers. The last one picked the dead skin off his feet. Like who does that? But like I’d rather a feet-picker at this point.

“Should we grab breakfast?” Said Toulouse. “I know this cute little vegan place a few blocks from here.”

“I don’t think I can eat right now.”

“Ag, don’t be like that. You did super well. The moment is over. We deserve some avo toast. Ooo and we can share pancakes. I mean, I know maple syrup should be cut out. It’s really bad for the environment when it’s mass produced, but fuck it right? We deserve a treat.”

“I just kinda want to sleep.”

“Okay, I mean you’re free to go to bed whenever. I’ll bring you back some food for later then.”

“I mean, it’s probably best that I just go home to sleep.”

“It will be weird if we allow this to be the last thing we did together this weekend.”

“Yeah, the thing is, I just don’t think this is working out. Mostly fun weekend but it’s sort of a red flag to murder people together within the first six months. I usually only start the murdering two years in.”

“Fuck, you’re funny but no one murdered anyone. We just got rid of a body together in under an hour. That’s next level team work. If anything, this proves that we are great together. ”

“Yeah, I mean, definitely a factor to consider. I think I just need to go home for a bit.”

Toulouse nodded. “I don’t think you should go home right away. I mean, obviously you can do whatever you want but don’t allow this one mishap to define our relationship.”

I nodded.

“We should have just stayed in and watched Netflix.” He said.

“That’s always safer.” I said.

“Still have to be careful of seagull break ins.”

“You can’t completely avoid those.” I said. “Right, the thing is that I am just super tired right now and I have work tomorrow and you know Imani is going to want to go over her break-up for several hours when I get back.”

Toulouse cut off a piece of my hair.

“Bro, what the fuck?” I said.

“I’ll drop you at home but I need to keep a piece of you close.” He said.

HOME

“What’s going on girl.” Said Imani. “You’re looking kinda whack.”

“He told me he loved me.”

“Okay. I thought you liked him.”

“Yeah, no. He’s cool.”

“Mmhmm. What happened? You find out he embezzling shit.”

“Something like that.”

“I told you about them White folks.”

“He just texted.” I said.

“What he say?” Said Imani.

“I miss you.”

“I told you. You can’t be serving premium pussy to these White boys day one.”

I rolled my eyes. “You know I’m only like a quarter Black right.”

“Bitch, we been through this. You're from Africa. Best believe yo ancestry come across some more black magic than you know of. For real. Now you made him all stalky and shit.” Said Imani. “You got to slow it down. Only twerk up on him a year in.”

“I’m kind of afraid he might get stalky.” I said. “He cut off a lock of my hair.”

“Girl, what? Okay.”

“He said he needs a piece of me with him.”

“That some 1800s shit.” Imani said. “Kinda romantic though. Not gonna lie.”

BOWL HUGS

Imani knocked on the door. “You okay, Katey?”

I coughed and wiped the side of my mouth. “Yeah.”

“You been taking your pill?”

I shook my head. “No one is selling them anymore.”

“Devon didn’t have any?”

“There’s been nothing on the street. We had condoms though.”

“Were they expired?” Imani said.

I rinsed my mouth out and spat into the sink. “I don’t think I checked.”

“Check the cupboard I have a test in there.”

“Don’t you need it?”

“You can still get those from the store, I think.” Imani said.

“Are you still at the door?” I said.

“Yeah.”

“Can you maybe go into the lounge real quick. I’ve got stage fright.”

Imani laughed. “Yeah, sorry.”

I walked into the lounge. “Two lines.”

“Ew.”

“Yeah.”

“At least he got a pension plan.”

“I absolutely cannot have a child with this man.” I said. “It’ll be cloven hoofed.”

“I think there is still a place in town that can help.” Imani said. “Lacey went to this lady who is filing it under fetal anomaly terminations.”

SAVED

“There are options if you don’t want to keep it.” Said the receptionist.

“I don’t want to have it at all.” I said.

“I don’t know what to tell you. I don’t know what you have heard about this place but you will have to fly out of country to have that done and then you may face charges upon your arrival.”

“What are my options then.”

“Either way I would start by telling the father. If you go for an adoption the state will be notifying the father on record. He will then have the option for sole custody before adoption proceedings may take place. Look there’s a disclaimer right outside. Now that you’re here we are legally compelled to notify the state. Your chances of getting this abortion safely are limited.”

“What if I say I don’t know who the father is?”

“Then your cyber data will be checked and a paternity test will be performed after birth. It’s a new law to ensure protection of men’s rights.” The receptionist said.

“But what if the reason I don’t want this child is because of the man.”

“Unfortunately, he still has a right to know according to the law, Mam.”

“So ... I’m just fucked then, is what you are saying?”

“Look, things are messed up right now, but I can guarantee you will not regret having this baby when it is in your arms.” Said the receptionist. “I have two kids. The first was not planned but I am so glad he is here.”

“Is the father psychotic?”

The receptionist laughed. “He can be at times. Take this pamphlet on your options before you go.”

The receptionist slipped me a note. I’m sorry. They are watching us too closely now. Good luck.

MIRACLE

“I’m pregnant.” I said.

“Oh. Wow!” Said Toulouse. “Well, that explains why you have been so freaked out lately.”

I laughed.

“How far along?” He said.

“Eight weeks.”

“This is amazing news. Oh, my God! A fucking miracle.”

“Yeah, definitely some kinda luck.”

“I mean, I was hopeful when I pocked holes in the condoms but wow.”

“What now?”

“I’m joking, obviously.”

“Hilarious.”

“So, I guess we’re getting married.”

“Sorry?”
“We kind of have to. It’s a new law to protect family values.”

“They’ve been quite busy changing laws recently.”

“You really should be following politics babes.”

“Seems that way.”

MEXICO

“Did you hear they are building a wall across the border?” Said the bartender.

I laughed. “Sick of all the American refugees.”

“Our economy just can’t keep up with it.” He said. “But I’m glad you’re here.”

I smiled. “Yeah, so am I.”

MIDNIGHT SNACK

APPALACHIAN TRAILS

“Whatever you do Chris, Don’t be like me.” Steven said.

“I wasn’t planning on it.”

“Do you think I was? When I was twenty I wanted to be the front man of a famous band. I wanted to spend my time on private jets and trashing hotel rooms. I could have done it too. I spent all my time with my guitar until I met your mother.”

“You always blame mom for everything.” Chris said. “But she’s the successful one who isn’t a part time alcoholic.”

“Well everything was on the up and then boom… I had to become a dad. I had to get a job that would support a life for your sister. I had to give up everything that was important to me so that your mom could stay home raising kids.”

“She didn’t just stay home; she managed to still get all her degrees.”

“Because she had the time at home to study.”

Chris rolled his eyes. “It’s just as much your fault that mom got pregnant. Why didn’t you use condoms?”

“Well, we did sometimes.”

“Gross.” Chris said.

“You better be grateful for those times we raw dogged. You wouldn’t be here without them.”

“Unbelievable.”

“Should we camp here tonight?”

Chris looked around. It was a decent spot. It seemed a little creepy but most of this forest felt that way to him. He had heard too many stories about the Appalachian trails. According to Reddit they were practically over-populated by cryptids, ghosts, ancient witches, cults, demons and so on. “I guess so.”

CAMPFIRE LIGHT

Chris sat with his sketchbook on his knees and rubbed at the lines he drew in charcoal. Steven peered over his shoulder and watched.

“Why are your drawings always so dark?” Steven said.

“They aren’t always.” Chris said.

“Show me a happy one then.”

Chris flipped through the book and stopped on the image of a girl lounging on a sofa.

“She’s quite nice. You using condoms?” Steven said.

“Dad.”

“What? You’re basically a younger me. You must be swimming in girls.”

“I don’t swim.”

“Psssh posh.” Steven said. “You can’t be in your twenties and committed to one poontang. That’s a travesty.”

“I’m not really an open relationship type.”

“Well, you don’t tell them you’re in an open relationship that way you’re just having more of a well-rounded relationship because you’re committed to a few different personalities.”

“Mmmm. Not really my thing.”

“Hey do you want to tell scary stories?” Steven said.

“Right now?”

“Yeah, come on, it will be fun.”

Chris closed his sketchbook. “Okay.”

“Have you heard the one about the dripping tap?”

“No.”

“This is a good one.” Steven said. “An old lady wakes up abruptly and looks over at the clock. It’s eleven pm. She hears whistling in the distance which she thinks is the children in the apartment upstairs. She hears the pitter patter of her Chihuahua’s feet on the wood. Drip, drop, drip, drop… She hears a dripping sound that she assumes is a tap that is in need of fixing. She feels her dog jump up onto the bed and reaches her hand out to him. Drip, drop, drip, drop… Fine hair and silky skin brushes against her hand and a tongue too large licks up her arm. Drip, drop, drip, drop… She quickly turns on the bedside lamp and for a moment she sees herself sitting on the foot of the bed with a broad smile. After a single blink she is in an empty room. She rubs her eyes and calls for her dog. Drip, drop, drip, drop… She hears distant whimpering. She nervously steps out of bed. She calls out to her dog a second time. She hears whispered laughter and whimpering. She turns on lights as she quickly paces through the house towards the sound. Drip, drop, drip, drop… She turns on the kitchen light to find her dog hanging from the ceiling fan, blood dripping from his throat creating a pool on the floor. She catches herself in the mirror. Something is a miss about her reflection. It’s as though it’s looking back at her with it’s own sentience. She reaches towards it but noticed blood staining her hands.”

“That was good. I remember the original one from camp now. You tell it much better though.”

Steven laughed. “Well thank you. Let’s see what you’ve got.”

“Oh do you know about deer-woman?”

Steven shook. “Don’t say that out-loud. We are in the middle of her woods.”

“You can’t be serious?”

“There are many monsters that dwell here. Mostly we can coexist if we leave them be. We definitely shouldn’t call their names and seek them out.”

Chris rolled his eyes and went back to his sketchbook. “You’re just worried my story would be better than yours.”

BEDTIME

“Where are you going?” Steven said.

“To the bathroom.”

“Oh, okay.”

Chris whistled as he walked out into the dark. He stopped at a large tree and unzipped his pants. He thought he saw something shift in the foliage. Must be the wind. He heard whistling. It’s just a bird mocking me.

“You're whistling?” Steven shouted. “Are you insane? I swear you have completely forgotten the forest.”

“It’s been over ten years since you brought me out here.”

“It can’t have been that long.”

“I was in grade six.”

“Well, shit.”

“Yeah.”

Steven looked around their camp site. “I don’t sense anything bad at least but geez common sense left you out in the fucking cold, eh?”

“I’m going to call Mom.”

“Still doing night time check ins with mommy.”

Chris rolled his eyes and typed his mother’s number into the satellite phone. It rang three times before she answered.

“Hey my beautiful mom.”

“Hey baby, how is it going?”

“It’s been good. We got thirty thousand steps today.”

“That’s wild!”

“Yeah, what did you get up to?”

“Tell your mother she’s a bitch for me will you?” Steven shouted.

Chris’s mother sighed heavily into the phone.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine that’s just your father.”

THREE A.M.

Chris jolted awake. Leaves shuddered against the force of the wind. The forest floor cracked under heavy feet. It was just light enough to see the essence of things. He fumbled around himself for his flashlight. He saw a huge silhouette of a beast imprinted on the yellow of his tent. He covered his mouth as the shape grew closer and switched on his flashlight blinding him from the creature and casting his shadow onto the tent.

“Switch it off!” Whispered Steven.

Chris fumbled around for the flashlight. “I… I dropped it.”

Steven patted down the bottom of the tent. The light flickered. Steven clicked it off and put his index finger to his lip. Chris nodded. The creature sniffed around them. Its breaths were long and deep. Chris shifted his weight.

“Don’t move.” Steven said.

“Help!” Chris’s mother’s voice called out. “Help me!”

Chris jumped forward and reached for the tent opening.

“That's not your mother.” Steven said.

“Please, Steven, stop!” The voice yelled.

Steven shook his head.

Chris looked back at his father with pleading eyes. “What do we do?”

“I don’t know.”

“Fuck.”

“We’ll be okay.”

A claw scraped against the tent, hooked into the fabric and ripped downwards. The creature pocked its nose into the tent. Its youthful copper face was almost human. Its primal eyes locked onto Stevens. Its nostrils flared as the creature breathed in; scenting them. Chris grabbed onto his father’s hand. Steven wrapped his hand around his sons.

“My, my, my.” The creature said in a soft voice. “It was brave of you to come into my woods Steven Harroldson, and you brought me your only son too. Hello, Christopher.”

Chris opened his mouth.

“Don’t talk to it.” Steven said.

“Oh don’t be like that.” Said the creature. “It’s more fun if we get to have a little chat first.”

“I’m sorry for coming into your woods.” Chris said.

The creature laughed. “Isn’t he so cute? Just like you as a boy. I remember when you used to be so sweet. Do you remember me?”

Steven pushed in front of Chris. “Yes.”

“And do you remember what I said to you?”

“Yes.”

The creature pushed herself further into the tent. “Well, that’s pretty strange then.”

Chris stared at the creature’s sharp antlers.

“I did my best.” Said Steve.

“Oh, you did, did you?” Said the creature.

The creature opened its mouth wide. Chris’s mother’s voice played through the creatures vocal chords. Chris held his hands to his ears as the screams and cries and prayers grew too overwhelmingly sad for him to acknowledge.

Steven shivered. “You don’t understand. She hit me first.”

Chris looked at his father with death in his eyes. “No, she didn’t.”

The creature clicked her tongue. “Now, now little Stevie. There are many ways to avoid the inevitable but lying, especially to me, is not one of them.”

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” Steven said.

The creature laughed sarcastically. “No, you’re not.”

Chris looked into the golden yellow eyes of the creature. “Please, I know he’s not the best person but he’s my dad.”

The creature returned his gaze. “And is he a good father?”

“He has tried his best.”

“I don’t think he has. All he has done is given you a saviour complex and your sister daddy issues. Now she is most likely to end up further abused and you are most likely to end up with a woman who manipulates you.”

“He’s trying to be better.”

“Ah, but I’ve shown him mercy once before Christopher. How about I show you mercy instead?”

Chris looked around the mauled tent. His father’s sleeping bag had been dragged halfway down the path. Blood trailed even further from it. The bear bag had been pulled out of the tree. He searched his bag for the satellite phone and pressed the emergency key.

“I think my father’s been attacked by a bear.” Chris said.

“Is he alive?” Said the operator.

“I don’t know. I haven’t found him yet.”

“The bear dragged him off?”

“It looks that way.”

“Why don’t you run me through it?”

Chris’s brain felt cloudy. “I was asleep. I vaguely remember that there was screaming and tearing sounds but I guess I managed to not fully wake. Then I woke up this morning and the tent is all torn up and my dad’s sleeping bag is meters away and there’s blood everywhere. Oh God, he’s fucking dead somewhere. How did I sleep through that?”

“It’s going to be okay. We are going to get you out of there.”

DOGS AND FISHES

Bernie hated animals, mostly because he was jealous of their ability to take a shit anywhere.

Bernie once farted in class and as the laughter grew he shouted “What, it’s natural.” It was at this point that the teacher, who had been trying to calm the class down, succumbed to laughter herself. It had always perplexed him, this business of being an animal that is unable to be an animal. Bernie also hated responsibilities and dandelions and pollen and busy grocery stores, music that was too loud, stew that was too hot, trips out of town and women who were interested in Astrology. Thus when Bernie met a stray dog named Danu he sighed and walked away.

Danu loved too many things to count but mostly he loved food and humans. Humans slightly more than food because often they would scratch his back while feeding him the food. When he saw Bernie eating a plate of fish and chips from his favourite shack on the beach he expected to get said treatment. However, as he closed in on the balding gentleman, he realised that Bernie was the one to gain from their interaction. You see, dogs have a special ability to sense emotions and Danu sensed that Bernie had been unreasonably sad for too long a time. So naturally when Bernie walked away from Danu, he followed and followed and followed some more.

Bernie looked at the dog on his doorstep for a moment. The dog’s big eyes stared up at him in return.

“I think this is the longest eye contact I've had since Jen left.” he thought.

Bernie had a very low EQ. There isn’t really a word for the level but, if I had to describe it accurately, I would say he was emotionally and empathetically constipated. He missed Jen more than he had the capacity to acknowledge. He wouldn't tell Jen how much he missed her though. Bernie was stubborn, mostly because he thought punishing other people was more important than being happy. Jen had left because Bernie had been making incessant rules. When the rule making first became a part of their relationship Jen thought it was odd but somewhat funny and she liked Bernie enough to overlook it. By the time she left this year at 10pm on Bernie’s Birthday she had found the rules less funny, liked Bernie less and had no remnant of patience. It went a little like this:

"You invited so many people." Said Bernie.

"It's a big birthday." Said Jen. "And you had said how you'd never had a proper party before."

"I wanted to spend the day playing the new WOW expansion." Said Bernie.

"I'm sorry it wasn't what you wanted." Said Jen. "I'll check in better with you next year."

"No need, birthday rules... No planning events. No fancy cakes. No balloons. Balloons are just so ugh! What is the point of them? No homemade gifts. What even is this?"

Jen's breathing quickened. A lump in her throat and a pressure on her heart had developed. "Okay."

"And the other thing is no telling people how we met." Bernie said. "It doesn't make me look good."

Jen walked to the front door and picked up a box from Amazon.

"What's that?" Said Bernie.

"Just some books." Said Jen.

"Oh." Said Bernie.

Bernie mumbled more rules as Jen unpacked the books.

"Is that a Bible?" Said Bernie.

"Well, yeah," Jen said. "I bought the holy books of a few different religions. I wanted to see how they are similar..."

"We do not have Bibles in this house." Said Bernie. "Put it outside."

"You're being ridiculous." Said Jen.

"Look I've dealt with your crystals and your voodoo but I'm not putting up with religious bullshit. If you want to get into that then you can do so somewhere else."

"Okay, I'll do that then."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm going to take these books and myself somewhere else."

"Oh, uhm okay."

"I'll come back for my stuff sometime this week."

"Where will you even go?” Bernie said. “It’s almost midnight."

"It doesn't matter."

"It does matter, it's the middle of the night. I can't let you wander into the night."

“Well the decision actually has nothing to do with you... I am an adult. I can come and go as I please. I’ll probably arrange to fetch stuff when you aren't here. Goodbye then."

"Don't be ridiculous.”

“To be ridiculous, Bernie I would have to commit to spending the next thirty to forty years with you in this house doing nothing whilst settling for no ring and taking on all the household labour. This is being self preserving.”

“Well, we could get you a ring if you really need one.” Said Bernie.

CURRENT DAY

Bernie looked at the dog. "Fine, come in."

Bernie placed down a saucer full of water and dumped left over stew onto a plate. Danu sniffed the stew. It was salty and made without love but it would do for now. Bernie sat down in an armchair and flicked on the TV. Danu placed his front paws on Bernie’s knees and looked up. Bernie ignored him. He curled up against the armchair and placed his head on Bernie’s right foot. The tiniest sparkle rumbled in Bernie’s heart. He wriggled, as his body shivered in discomfort.

“Get off!” Bernie said.

It took a month before Danu was sitting in Bernie’s lap whilst the TV was on. Although Bernie renamed Danu ‘Butt’ and yelled at him throughout the day, Danu had become a dog of luxury. After the first week of cohabitation Bernie had come back from the store with dog beds, treats, raw food, toys, a collar and little outfits. It wasn’t long until his Instagram was overrun with photos of Danu. It was because of these posts that, months later, Bernie paced around the house with his phone to his ear. Danu paced with Bernie; following closely at his feet.

“It’s wonderful to hear from you Jen.” Bernie said.

“No, honestly, you should meet him.” Bernie said.

“I always want you around. I’ve missed you.” Bernie said.

A few hours passed before the doorbell rang. Danu ran around in circles and barked loudly. Bernie rushed to the door and opened it to a beautiful woman. He wrapped his arms around her tightly. Danu licked at her feet.

“You look great.” She said.

“No, but you really do.” Bernie said.

Jen bent down and scratched behind Danu’s ears. “Oh, you’re so cute. Is his name really Butt?”

Bernie laughed. “Yeah.”

“You’re too sweet to be a Butt.”

“I don’t know butt’s are pretty cute; I mean just look at yours.” Bernie said.

Jen laughed uncomfortably. “Listen, I do need to tell you that I’m seeing someone. It’s not serious but this isn’t like a date or anything.”

“Why would you come over then?” Bernie said.

Danu looked at Bernie and his tail fell in between his legs.

“Because I care about you and when I phoned to check in you asked me to come and I just; well I wanted to see you.” Jen said.

“Did you meet him before we broke up?” He said. “Is that why you left?”

“No, I left because I couldn’t do it anymore, Bernie. It had all just become too much.”

“So you just met some random guy on the street and agreed to go out with him when the relationship was barely even cold.”

“I met him at work. I didn’t plan it.”

“So you did know him.” He said.

“There was nothing going on.” Jen said. “We were barely friends before we started a project together last month.”

“Are you fucking him?” Bernie said.

“That’s none of your concern.” Jen said.

Bernie gripped Jen’s arms and pulled her towards him.

“Ouch,” Jen said. “You’re hurting me.”

Danu barked and growled at Bernie’s feet.

“What’s his name?” Bernie said.

“It’s none of your business.”

Bernie shook her. “What is his fucking name?”

“Jason.”

“I fucking knew it.”

Bernie threw Jen away from himself in disgust. Jen reached out to him and he stepped back from. Jen over balanced and tripped over her own feet falling backwards towards the floor. Her head connected with the edge of the coffee table. She fell limp as blood pooled around her head and seeped into the rug.

“Fuck.” Said Bernie. “Jen? Jen, are you okay?”

Bernie knelt down beside her but couldn’t bring himself to touch her. She wasn’t moving. He couldn’t hear breaths. He packed a bag and put on Danu’s leash. As he got into the car he called 911.

“I think I’ve killed my girlfriend. 452 Hilltop road.”

FIVE YEARS LATER

Bernie stood in the tree line. He barely remembered the path out of the forest from his encampment. He had been too afraid to leave the deep woods. It took three days to get here on foot. He watched the shopping complex until the early hours of the morning when there was only a car on the road once every thirty or so minutes. He rushed across and walked quickly to the PetSmart outlet store. He smashed the glass door and ran inside. Animals cried out from the back and alarms sounded. He ran as quickly as he could to the sound of barking. He looked across the sea of faces and opened the cage of a small papillon. He clipped Danu’s leash to its harness and scooped it up into his arms. He ran back through the store and out. Police sirens bleared closer and closer towards him. He cut through the parking lot. A police car waited for him at the end of the lot. He dipped down an alleyway. The puppy whimpered and wriggled in his arms.

“It’s okay.” Bernie said. “It’s okay, Butt.”

He heard the footsteps of an officer behind him. He pushed himself as quickly as he could into the tree-line. The officer followed closing the gap between them. The officer tackled him.

TO DEATH DO US PART

Bernie looked around his cell. A man peered over from the top bunk.

“What are you in for?” Said the man.

“Attempted murder, B ’n E and theft.” Said Bernie.

“Not bad.” Said the man. “You’ll be in here for a while, we can get to know each other.”

“What are you in for?”

“The usual, murder, armed robbery, drug smuggling.”

TRANSKEI SOIL

Is someone listening? I would like to think there is. To think all of this matters to someone other than me. I’m not sure why this is so vital. Vital enough; I feel it in my core. Sometimes I close my eyes for a second and everything shifts so drastically. It’s almost as though there isn’t a single moment that holds importance. Did you know that dogs check if you’re breathing? If your breathing changes in the night they will put their face close to your mouth and make sure that you’re still alive. I woke up to my dog doing this once. I wonder if he thinks about death as much as I do. I spend many sleepless nights pondering who will take him if I don’t wake up. Would my Mom ship him back home to be with her? Would they ship my body back too? Back to the Transkei soil. A funeral here would be comprised only of four women. It’s partly my fault for building a temporary life with for the moment people. It’s easier this way. To fully rely on myself means to never be disappointed, rejected or abandoned.

I made the mistake of going online earlier. There was a while where everyone was getting married, and now they are all starting to have kids. I smiled widely as I looked through the reels. I am not jealous of them, I am grateful that their lives have been this full of love and security. I am grateful that they all chose and have been chosen in return. However I am sad when I lock the phone and look around my empty apartment. I used to wish, hope, beg and plead to be chosen. I used to read Jane Austen and Nicholas Sparks. I used to be a good accommodating girl on top of all her duties. Still my father left me wounded and the man I spent over a decade with, rubbed in a whole lot of salt. Now I just hope someone looks after my dog.